How can I help? What can I do? What do I need to know? These are the questions we hear often. Read below for what you need to know to help someone close to you who has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of their infant.

The most important thing to know is that your love, concern, and compassion are much appreciated and needed during this time. The tips below will help you to be a wonderful support person during this time of loss::

• Say “I’m sorry”.

• Avoid platitudes and empty sayings, for example “everything happens for a reason”, “you can try again”, “it’s better off this way than having to take care of a high needs child”.

• Reach out — it can be scary to say something but reaching out and saying I’m sorry is always better than not saying anything.

• Be honest and don’t try to solve the problem — we cannot take away any one’s pain with our words, but we can let them know we are here to support them. If you don’t know what to say, don’t try to say something to make it better — just be honest by saying “I don’t know what to say”. It will be appreciated.

• Silence is okay — just sit with them, give a hug, be there. Every space doesn’t have to be filled with words.

• If you say something hurtful, apologize for it. It will be most appreciated.

• Give space for everyone to grieve in their own way. Some people are more open as they grieve, while others are very private. Both are okay.

• Remember to support the whole family in the loss including the partner and children if applicable.

• Do not say “Let me know what I can do”. While the intention might be good, it can be very hard for a grieving parent to ask for help. Instead offer specifics — “I want to bring you dinner this week. Is Wednesday night okay?” or “I am dropping off some of your favorite things. I’ll leave them by your door.”

• Oftentimes miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss are not recognized. When someone close to you is walking through one of these losses, treat it as you would treat any other type of death of a loved one. This is not a lesser loss.

• Remember that the loss of a baby is also the loss of future hopes and dreams.

• One of parents’ biggest worries is that their baby will be forgotten. Speak their baby’s name. Talk about them. Remember with them. It values the life of their baby.

• Ways to give tangible support::

  • Deliver a meal

  • Send a card

  • Give a memorial gift

  • Send texts to let them know you are thinking of them

  • Watch their other kids to give space to rest and grieve

  • Show up to mow their grass

  • Send a cleaning service to help clean their home

  • Make a donation in memory of their baby

Wondering why some of these things are hurtful and some helpful? We would love to talk with you about it! Email us at hello@theprojectgabriel.org and we will gladly answer your questions!